Opportunities and threats from the Beacon of Democracy

Previously published in the Terre Haute Tribune Star, 21 May 2017

There was some bad news last week for the senior demon Authoritarian in the Battle with Democracy. We pick up on a conversation between Authoritarian and his nephew, Pootie Poot.

“Pootie Poot, I hoped that the Front National would have prevailed in France. We were building such momentum with victories in Turkey and the Philippines. It would have been another crack in the wicked European Union. Indeed, this has not been a particularly good week for us, has it?”

“Uncle, the French do not have the same taste for melodramatic sex scandal like the Americans. The leaked documents from Macron would have destroyed him in the U.S. Instead, the government chose to ignore the ill-gotten gain of our efforts and prohibited their publication.”

“Pootie Poot, you executed your part well but as the world becomes aware of us we may have to somewhat alter our ways. Enough with France, it only adds to my irritation. What of our battle with the beacon of Democracy, the United States. How was the meeting between your people and the Strongman Trump?”

“It was a success, Uncle! Access to the Oval Office was his test of loyalty but then he surprised with sharing of classified information. Strongman Trump is unpredictable but in a good way it seems.”

“That is good news but what about those photos? I hope you punished the leakers.”

“Yes, Uncle, global warming has not yet reached Siberia.”

“Despite the unwanted illumination of the meeting, it does demonstrate that Trump is loyal.”

“Indeed, Uncle, Zaika Trump is so eager to please.”

“Pootie Poot, the U.S. Strongman then fires Patriot Comey and it’s hard to deny that it wasn’t about the investigation now. Had the meeting not been known, the original plan would have been plausible. Not now.”

“Uncle, we will continue the claim that Patriot Comey is a showboat and grandstander. Already his insistence on testifying publicly proves the point. It’s enough to create our best friend, chaos. Republicans will want to keep Patriot Comey’s testimony private and the Democrats will want it public and that will become the issue. In the meantime the search for a loyalist to head up the FBI will continue but with distracted scrutiny. In any case, Uncle, the Patriot Comey is no longer a threat.”

“Ahh Pootie Poot, you make me smile. But there are now stories about memos that Patriot Comey wrote, detailing Strongman Trump, being a Strongman.”

“Uncle, this works to our advantage, the more focus on Zaika Trump’s actions, the less on us and there is a strong counter push against the press for its unnamed sources and reference to unpublished memos. The churn helps us. We will throw more computer hacks at them and stretch their resources. We can also give them additional distractions as well as a chance for Zaika Trump to bolster his support among his loyalists. He can show how ineffective the U.S. intelligence and security community are as we cripple their medical offices.”

“Pootie Poot, I admire your initiative. What are you thinking?”

“Our friend, the Great Successor, loves his rockets. He has been toying with them. We could help him to make one fly farther, straighter, and more accurately than ever before. It would scare the U.S. military who rightly downplays the Great Successor’s toys but let’s give them something to raise an alarm with and then those wanting a demonstration of how good a strongman works instead of Democracy’s fumbling, with its archaic rules and practices, we could aid an easy and effective response by Zaika Trump.”

“Yes, a good mano a mano meeting between Strongman Trump and the Great Successor would be just the kind of demonstration needed. It would also distract from investigations. Imagine an Oval Office photo of the Great Successor and Strongman Trump announcing that there will be no more missile tests. All as part of a trade deal involving agricultural commodities. I can hear it now, Trump opens new markets and ends the Great Successor’s ballistic missile program! Oh Pootie Poot, you have made my day.”

“Uncle Authoritarian, I just checked Fox News and the support for calling a constitutional convention in the Democratic beacon is growing. The divide among Americans over the role of the press will no doubt bolster that effort. That will be a tremendous opportunity for us.”

“Pootie Poot, what is this? Patriot Mueller is named as a special counsel! Trouble is here, so open the gates.”

A peek beyond the precipice of impending battle

Previously published in the Terre Haute Tribune-Star, 26 March 2017

There are forces of good and evil in the world. Today, we are fortunate to eavesdrop on the forces of evil as a senior demon, Authoritarian, provides advice to his nephew, Pootie Poot, on battling the good, Democracy.

“My dear Pootie Poot, we are on the precipice of achieving our goal, the dismantling of the practice of Democracy, an evil that blocks us from our destiny! I know you are anxious, but be patient.”

“Uncle Authoritarian, why not just manipulate vote totals and elect our collaborators and sympathizers?”

“Pootie Poot, be patient. I know you could change vote totals but don’t do that! It is important that the people believe it is their will and decision to vote for Total Authority.” Our prize is the beacon of personal freedom and democracy, the United States. Our efforts must be nuanced and exploit their weaknesses and turn their strength against them. The U.S. press is ‘free’ but lazy. The ‘journalists’ work for people who want to make money and thus they scramble after the sensational, to be first, rather than right. The more sensational the claim, you can trust they will report it. They will report sensation over the real, so spreading those emails from ‘staffers’ will work even better than attacking the leaders themselves.”

“Uncle, that seems to only serve as a distraction a ‘he said, she said’ argument. Nothing seems resolved and the next sensational headline, some entertainer having a baby, distracts them.”

“Pootie, that is all right. As long as the political leaders disagree on even what events are important, it doesn’t matter. What we want is the two political parties to look at the same thing, for example a leak of classified material that exposes us and our collaborators, and have the political parties divide over it. For example, one party focuses on the content of the leaked material and the other on the crime of leaking and seek to identify the leaker. This is perfect for us!”

“Uncle, there are patriots. Americans are a patriotic people, are they not?”

“Many Americans are patriots, but few American political leaders are patriots. See how few of them even serve in the military or any of their children. Do not be confused by the nationalists. Remember, nationalism is a path to isolation and division and thus is good for us. The nationalists will put party above all else and we can paralyze them politically. Oh how stupid they are not to realize this. They beg for Total Authority and do not realize it!”

“Uncle Authoritarian, is this why we do not try to foment a military coup in the United States, because the military is full of patriots?”

“My dear Pootie Poot, Americans are a complicated people. You might think that all military people are patriotic, but many are political and some are just out for themselves. A couple of places you can be sure there are patriots and the one’s we need to be careful of are in the Intelligence community and in law enforcement. They will put country first and already we have seen some of this at work. We thought that Patriot Comey had compromised himself during the 2016 election, but listen to what he just said:  ‘They’ll be back in 2020, … They may be back in 2018 and one of the lessons they may draw from this is that they were successful, because they introduced chaos and division and discord and sowed doubt about the nature of this amazing country of ours and our democratic process.’ ‘One of the lessons’, Patriot Comey says, hahaha, we are already ahead of you!”

“But Uncle, Patriot Comey just revealed our plan!!!”

“Yes, my dear Pootie Poot, he did and what did I say earlier? Rely on the party divisions to call light dark and dark light, just as is happening now with one side focused on identifying the leaker instead of our actions and our collaborators. Relax Pootie and let the Americans do the heavy work of undermining 250 years of constitutional democracy and make way for Total Authority!”